Chapter 3 - Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage
Quotes and passages to focus on from chapter 3:
"While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person." - President Spencer W. Kimball, BYU devotional, September 1976 (2002, p. 42)
This chapter explores the work of leading scholars who study healthy marriages, and the teachings of Latter-day Saint Church leaders on these foundational processes. Foundational processes are actions couples take in relation to each other to help their marriage flourish.
We believe the principles involved are probably universal, but the processes manifest differently across cultures. For example, while the principle “Spouses need to feel loved by their partners” is likely true everywhere, how love is shown in Latin America will possibly be different in North America or the Orient. And even within the same culture, people will differ in how they show love.
Current Emphasis in Marital Processes Research - Marital processes research today essentially is three-fold. One aspect places emphasis on marital disruption and understanding the processes that lead to marital breakdown (e.g., Gottman, 1994). This area of research often focuses on communication processes, how conflict is managed, and how problems are addressed. A second major emphasis looks at the characteristics of individual spouses and positive couple processes in relation to establishing and maintaining a strong, healthy marriage. A third major emphasis attends to elements some scholars call “transformative processes” in marriage (Fincham, Stanley, & Beach, 2007), which are efforts at self-change that spouses make to heal a relationship rift or forge a deeper connection. These elements include forgiveness (Fincham, 2000; McCullough, Rachal, Sandage, Worthington, Brown, & Hight, 1998), commitment (Fowers, 2000; Stanley, 2005), sacrifice (Whitton, Stanley, & Markman, 2002), and sanctification (Mahoney, Pargament, Murray-Swank, & Murray-Swank, 2003).
Foundational Process #1:
Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant
“The Family: A Proclamation to the World” declares that “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God” (¶ 1), and that “husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other” (¶ 6). Furthermore, it emphasizes that “marriage . . . is essential to His eternal plan” (¶ 7). These statements make clear that marriage is a purposeful, divinely created relationship, not merely a social custom, and that couples have God-given covenant obligations to one another.
While serving as a member of the Seventy, Elder Bruce C. Hafen (2005, p. 76–77) clarified the nature of a covenant relationship by contrasting it with a contractual relationship:
"When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent. But covenant companions each give 100 percent. Enough and to spare. Each gives enough to cover any shortfall by the other."
Successful covenant marriages are founded on the
teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ and tied to our discipleship. Elder David A. Bednar (2006, p. 86) beautifully described how being focused on Jesus in a covenant marriage relationship influences marital progress:
The Lord Jesus Christ is the focal point in a covenant marriage relationship. Please notice how the Savior is positioned at the apex of this triangle, with a woman at the base of one corner and a man at the base of the other corner. Now consider what hap-pens in the relationship between the man and the woman as they individually and steadily “come unto Christ” and strive to be “perfected in Him” (Moroni 10:32). Because of and through the Redeemer, the man and woman come closer together.
Social Science Perspectives on Covenant Commitment:
...marriage scholar Scott Stanley (2005) has identified two kinds of commitment: constraint commitment and personal dedication. Constraint commitment comprises a sense of obligation, “forces or costs that serve to keep couples together even if they would rather break up” (Stanley, Whitton, & Markman, 2004, p. 498). For example, couples may stay together because of social pressure, the high expense of divorce, or for the sake of the children. Personal dedication, on the other hand, is an intentional decision and desire to stay in a marriage for mutual benefit. You “sacrifice for [the relationship], invest in it, link it to personal goals, and seek the part-ner’s welfare, not just your own” (Markman, Stanley, & Blumberg, 2001, p. 325).
Marital Processes that Nurture Covenant Commitment in Marriage:
What marital processes show a covenant commitment? Religious leaders and scholars are remarkably consistent in their suggestions. Here are some ideas: Intentional personal dedication. To nurture their covenant commitments to one another and God, couples will wisely make a decision to be intentionally and personally dedicated. This involves a commitment to sacrifice for and organize one’s life around the companion spouse; it also means a willingness to change any and all behaviors and attitudes for the good of the relation-ship. This might involve learning to resolve differences in a more healthy way, overcoming tendencies toward impatient listening, moderating unrealistic expectations, spending an evening alone together each week, or resolving personal problems.
Exclusive cleaving and unity. The Lord declared, “Thou
shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22). In explaining this passage of scripture, President Spencer W. Kimball (1972, p. 143) taught:
"The words none else eliminate everyone and every-thing. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse."
Exclusive cleaving and unity. The Lord declared, “Thou
shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22). In explaining this passage of scripture, President Spencer W. Kimball (1972, p. 143) taught:
"The words none else eliminate everyone and every-thing. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse."
Foundational Process #2: Love and Friendship:
Beyond simply assuming that spouses know they love each other, “husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other” (¶ 6). The proclamation mentions the responsibility to love and care before any other marital obligation or virtue. Christlike love is the lodestar virtue in marriage—it lights the way and draws attention to other virtues couples may wish to foster in their marriage.
In this dispensation the Lord commanded, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart” (D&C 42:22), applying equally to wives as well as husbands. In commenting about this verse, President Ezra Taft Benson (1987, p. 50) taught, “To my knowledge there is only one other thing in all scripture that we are commanded to love with all our hearts, and that is God Himself. Think what that means!” Parents have not been commanded to love their children with all their hearts, though undoubtedly they do. But marital love seems to occupy a high and holy status."
True marital love emerges from profound friendship
(Fowers, 2001). After surveying 25 years of research on marriage, Gottman and Silver stated simply, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship . . . a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company” (1999, p. 19).
Nurturing Love and Friendship:
What can married couples do to nurture love and friendship? Here are several ideas: Get in sync with your partner’s love preferences. Find out how your partner likes to receive love and then do those things often. Different scholars and practitioners recommend different approaches for accomplishing this. Gottman and Silver (1999) recommend that couples build and use a “love map.” A love map is like a mental (or possibly physical) notebook where we collect personal information about our spouse that we want to remember. This notebook includes the spouse’s dreams, joys, fears, likes, dislikes, frustrations, and worries. The map helps us to identify different “points” about our spouse so we know how to love him or her better. For example, if you know your spouse’s favorite food is lasagna, you might prepare that meal during an evening together. Therapist Richard Stuart (1980) recommends couples engage in “Caring Days,” where couples identify sets of loving actions that they would like to receive from their partner. These actions must be specific (“Tell me you love me at least once a day”), positive (not “Don’t do this” or “Stop doing that”), small enough to be done on a daily basis (“Call me at work during lunch, just to see how I’m doing”), and not related to any recent conflict. Experimental research shows that couples engaging in Caring Days significantly enhanced their marital satis-faction (LeCroy, Carrol, Nelson-Becker, & Sturlaugson, 1989). Regardless of which approach couples choose, the idea is for couples to talk openly about how they like to receive love and then agree to do those things often.
Talk as friends. Sometimes our couple conversation is
all about the business of life: the job, the kids, problems. Of course, these things need to be handled, but it is also important to make time to simply talk as friends. These types of conversations were the kinds of discussions that drew couples close in the first place. Be sure to protect “friend time” from issues and conflict (Markman et al., 2001). Gottman and Silver (1999) recommend having daily stress-reducing, validating conversation as friends, not family business partners. When conversing as friends, we make sure to show genuine interest (look at our spouse, give full attention), take turns talk-ing, avoid giving unsolicited advice, communicate our understanding on occasion, take our spouse’s side, avoid interrupting or rebutting, express affection, and validate emotions.
Respond to bids for connection. Our best efforts to connect in marriage can be jeopardized as a result of the failure to respond to another’s bids, which Gottman, Gottman, and DeClaire (2001, p. 4) call “the funda-mental unit of emotional communication.” A bid can
be a question, a look, a gesture, a touch—any single expression that says, “I want to feel connected to you.” Gottman’s laboratory studies identified that couples responded to bids for connection in one of three ways: by turning away (such as ignoring), turning against (such as verbally attacking), or turning toward (actively responding to bids for attention, affection, humor, or support).
Foundational Process #3: Positive Interaction:
Positive emotions toward one’s spouse are vital to a healthy marriage. Negative emotions, if they occur frequently and are allowed to deepen, can threaten a marriage. In the Gottman laboratory studies (1999), researchers observed couples during conflict situations and assessed the proportions of negative and positive interactions. For example, a negative interaction would be a hurtful argument about an overdraft in the checking account; a positive interaction would be a loving greeting to one another after returning home from work. The researchers discovered that for couples in stable marriages, the ratio of positive to negative inter-actions during conflict situations was at least 5 to 1, whereas in couples headed for divorce, the ratio was only 0.8 to 1. Thus couples doing well show at least five times more positives than negatives and far fewer negatives than couples headed toward divorce. Gottman and Silver (1999) call this “positive sentiment override” or the five to one ratio.
Presi-dent Gordon B. Hinckley (2003, p. 59) ...
"I have witnessed much of the best and much of the worst in marriage. . . . Faultfinding replaces praise. When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it. But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles."
Couples can focus on positive qualities by making and sharing lists of the things they admire and appreciate about each other. These things can be personal traits (she’s intelligent, witty), talents (he’s a good listener), something you especially like about him or her (I love the way she laughs), a feature of your relationship that you like (I like how we seem to finish each other’s thoughts), or something positive your spouse has done (he rubbed my feet when I was tired). Doing this activity doesn’t ignore the negative; it is an active decision to focus on the positive.
Foundational Process #4: Accepting Influence from One’s Spouse:
In marriage, the process of sharing the decision-making power with one’s spouse is referred to in some scholarly literature as accepting influence (Gottman et al., 1998). Accepting influence refers to counseling with and listening to one’s spouse, respecting and considering his or her opinions as valid as one’s own, and compromising when making decisions together. Elder Russell M. Nelson (1991, p. 23) taught, “Husbands and wives, learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another.” For some, accepting influence from others comes natu-rally, but many have a harder time giving away some of their power."
Share influence in all family affairs. Part of the recipe
for a happy, healthy marriage (and a sturdy marriage foundation) is for both partners to share equal own-ership and influence in all family affairs (Gottman, 1999; Gottman, Gottman, & DeClaire, 2006). This research finding supports principles of the proclama-tion, which state that men and women are “obligated to help one another as equal partners,” and that they
“will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations” (¶¶ 6–7).
Ways to accept influence. To help translate this knowledge into practical behavior, Gottman and others (2006) give a few suggestions of how to accept influence and respond to one’s spouse. For example, we can accept influence by turning to our spouse for advice, being open to his or her ideas, listening to and considering his or her opinions, learning from our spouse, show-ing respect during disagreements, recognizing points we both agree on, compromising, showing trust in our spouse, and being sensitive to his or her feelings.
Foundational Process #5: Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems:
How differences are handled is an important key to marital success or failure (Markman et al., 2001). ...A member of the Seventy, Elder Joe J. Christensen (1995, p. 65) taught a similar principle: “Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them. That is part of the process of making a good marriage better.”
In addition to a covenant commitment, love and friendship, and other marital virtues and processes that bind a couple together, a good skill set is necessary to work through the challenges brought on by differences and conflict. These skills include prevention; eliminating destructive patterns; becoming calm; discussing issues softly, gently, and privately; making and accepting repair attempts; soothing one’s self and each other; and reaching a consensus. Prevention. Some issues may not need to be raised. Having charity, the pure love of Christ, may prevent some things from ever becoming an issue. For example, maybe we can let go of our deep concerns about trivial matters, such as the stereotypical uncapped toothpaste.
Eliminate destructive interaction patterns. We need to work to eliminate destructive interaction patterns from our relationships so they don’t creep in and influence the nature of our discussion of issues. Gottman (1994) has identified four of these and labeled them “the four horsemen of the apocalypse,” as they progressively lead to the downfall of a relationship: criticism (attack on one’s personality), contempt (criticism mixed with sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling), defensiveness (not taking responsibility for change), and stonewalling (unwillingness to discuss or withdrawal from an issue).
Calm yourself first. When issues arise, couples need calm, respectful discussion. Before approaching your spouse on an issue, ask: “Am I in control of myself?” The Lord has made it clear that contention is of the devil (3 Nephi 11:29–30). Alma taught us to “bridle all [our] passions,” including those leading to contention. Why? “That [we] may be filled with love” (Alma 38:12). Contention results in anger escalation, hostility, and hurt feelings that can seriously harm relationships. If you cannot approach an issue without contending about it, it is better to deal with it later, after you have calmed yourself. Do whatever calms you: pray, listen to peaceful music, walk around the block, take a shower.
Bring up the concern softly, gently, and privately. Set the
stage for a discussion by bringing up issues softly, gently, and calmly, remembering that “a soft answer turneth away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1). Gottman’s research (1999) labeled this the “softened start-up.” Avoid negative, accusatory remarks, sarcasm, and critical or contemptuous statements. Complaining is okay, but don’t blame. Speak for yourself. Use “I” statements to communicate your feelings (“I felt hurt when you left me alone at the party”), not “you” statements (“You are so inconsiderate”). Describe what is happening; don’t evaluate or judge. Be clear. Be polite. Be appreciative. Don’t store things up.
Learn to make and receive repair attempts. When a discussion on an issue gets off on the wrong foot, put the brakes on before disaster strikes and things get contentious.
Soothe yourself and each other. Gottman (1999) observes that taking breaks may be essential if repair attempts are unsuccessful or if you begin to feel out of control (“flooded”) physically and emotionally. Even if you calmed yourself prior to discussing an issue, you may need to continue to do so during the discussion.
Reaching a con-sensus is the ideal (see D&C 107:27–29). Let your spouse influence you as you arrive at a mutually agreeable solu-tion. Steps to reaching agreement might include brain-storming possibilities, evaluating alternatives, choosing one you feel good about, putting the solution into action, and following up (Markman et al., 2001).
Foundational Process #6: Continuing Courtship through the Years:
A good definition of entropy is “the tendency of a physical system to lose energy and coherence over time, such as a gas that expands and dissipates until there is little trace left” (Doherty, 1997, p. 9).
How does this apply in marriage? Years ago, President Spencer W. Kimball (2002, p. 44) taught that“many couples permit their marriages to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn-out jokes or cold gravy.” More recently, scholar William Doherty (1997) commented about the entropic family, and by extension, the entropic couple who, through a lack of attention to their inner life, gradually loses a sense of cohesion over the years. Couples gradually drift apart because they lack infusions of bonding and intimacy. They become victims of the “cold gravy syndrome.”
What are some things couples can do to keep courtship alive through the years? Attend to the little things. President James E. Faust (2007, p. 8) taught,"In the enriching of marriage, the big things are the little things. There must be constant appreciation for each other and a thoughtful demonstration of gratitude. A couple must encourage and help each other grow. Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine."
Be intentional about doing things every day to enrich the
marriage. Couples who are continuing courtship have special activities they purposefully engage in to continue to build and maintain their relationship.
Spend at least five hours a week strengthening your relationship. In his studies, Gottman found that couples spending at least five hours a week on their relation-ship fared the best over time (Gottman & Silver, 1999). However, in order to succeed it is important for the couple to accomplish these four things during those five hours: (a) learn one thing that happened in your spouse’s life each day, (b) have a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each day, (c) do something special every day to show affection and appreciation, and (d) have a weekly date.
With the various foundational processes of successful marriage working together, couples are more likely to experience the kind of marriage that President Kimball (2002, p. 42) described as “more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive.” Deliberate, careful attention to these marital processes assures that marriage—a relationship central to Heavenly Father’s plan—receives the care and attention it deserves.
Personal Thoughts
In a talk by Elder Bruce C. Hafen (leader in the LDS Church), he stated that there are three “wolves” that can attack a marriage relationship – adversity, personal imperfection and excessive individualism. I have experienced all three of these “wolves” with multiple miscarriages being my greatest adversity, an ex-spouse who constantly berated me for my personal imperfections and a different ex-spouse who’s excessive individualism led to neglect, parallel lives and his eventual adultery. Of the three “wolves” I would say that the one that is particularly detrimental to society is the third – excessive individualism. The world today is encouraging everyone to express themselves as an original individual, to live their lives as they see fit regardless of anyone else. This shows in the amount of people who choose not to marry and “tie themselves down” or those that divorce because they have spent so much time on themselves they have neglected their spouse and the opportunity to share their lives. By thinking of ourselves as individuals first and foremost we lose out on learning to become one with our spouses and families. We distance ourselves from those who would give loving companionship.
As members of the LDS Church, we believe that families can be together forever and that is the ultimate goal here on earth. And as we strive to be together eternally with our families we create a bond throughout generations that spans all of time. In the end we will be eternally connected to our loved ones with the most important being our chosen eternal companion. To live in such a way that I am worthy to be by his side for eternity is a daily task. Though I may not complete the task well every day, the Lord sees my efforts and my attempts to always do better. That kind of connection requires quality time spent together, learning about each other and encouraging romance whenever we can.
A quote comes to mind from a movie I once saw called ‘Shall We Dance’. A wife is investigating her husband, sure he is cheating on her (he’s actually going to dance classes) and hires a private investigator. The investigator is divorced and asks her why is it that people get married. She replied -
“Because we need a witness to our lives. There are a billion people on the planet. What does any one life mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything… the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it. All the time. Everyday. You’re saying, ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.’”
I believe this, that we are meant to witness each other’s lives, to care about everything. It’s why family history is so important to us, so that we can know where we came from, what has been passed on to us and if we choose to pass it on to those who come next. We can see the good that has come before and chose to pass on that legacy, and we can see the bad that has come before and choose to stop it from passing on to future generations. We are at our strongest when we are giving of ourselves to others and no bond is stronger than the bond of eternal love. It is one of the reasons I use every day as an opportunity to serve my husband, to give of myself even in very small ways like bringing him snacks while he does his homework or making sure his work clothes are pressed and hung up in his closet. And he in turn serves me. Our appreciation for each other grows as we focus on each other and helps us to truly become one. To quote the Proclamation “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”
This week's goals -
1. Respond to bids for attention, affection, humor, or support. An announcement of “I’ve had a rotten day” can be met with an acknowledgement of feelings (“I’m sorry to hear that”), a hug, and an invitation to talk more about it.
2. Make an effort to do everyday activities together, such as reading the mail or making the bed.
3. Have a stress-reducing conversation at the end of the day. This involves reuniting at the end of a busy day to see how things went, and listening to and validating one another.
4. Do something special every day to communicate affection and appreciation.
5. Keep track of how well you are connecting emotionally with each other, and make enhancements when necessary.
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