Your Marriage vs the Many Faces of Infidelity

Chapter 6 

Honoring Marital Vows with Complete Fidelity 

 Scott Gardner and Christian Greiner 

Quotes and passages to focus on from chapter 6 –

President Ezra Taft Benson once said, “The plaguing sin of this generation is sexual immorality. This, the Prophet Joseph said, would be the source of more temptations, more buffetings, and more difficulties for the elders of Israel than any other” (Benson, 1988, p. 277). In our day the First Presidency and Quorum of the

Twelve Apostles declared in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” that “God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife” (¶ 4). We live in a world that struggles with keeping the seventh commandment, “Thou shalt not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14). As Elder Neal A. Maxwell (1979, p. 36) has pointed out, “The seventh commandment is one of the least heeded but most needed laws of God.” The proclamation goes on to explain that a husband and wife should “honor marital vows with complete fidelity” (¶ 7). A misconception in the world today is that infidelity involves solely the commission of sexual acts outside of marriage. However, being completely faithful to one’s spouse requires more than avoiding adultery. In this chapter we will discuss the incidence of infidelity, the different types of infidelity, the impact of infidelity, and the overall causes of infidelity. We then offer suggestions on how to prevent infidelity and make our marriages less vulnerable to acts of infidelity. Finally, we discuss recovery and how to repair a marriage if an act of infidelity has taken place.

The Prevalence of Marital Infidelity - According to research from the National Marriage Project (2009), 21 percent of married men and 14 percent of married women in 2000 report ever being unfaithful to their spouse. Although these numbers represent far too many traumatized families, this research also indicates that this number has not increased over the past 20 years. In terms of the percent of currently unfaithful married couples, Smith (2006, p. 8) reports, “The best estimates are that about 3–4 percent of currently married people have a sexual partner besides their spouse in a given year” (see also Allen, Atkins, Baucom, Snyder, Gordon, & Glass, 2005). Another encouraging statistic is that during the past three decades, the percent of U.S. adults reporting that marital infidelity is “always wrong” has steadily increased from 63 percent of men and 73 percent of women in 1970 to 78 percent of men and 84 percent of women in 2000 (Smith, 2006).

A Typology of Infidelity - Researchers and therapists identify different kinds of infidelity. In summary, infidelity can be categorized based on the type of involvement (emotional or physical) and the level of relational attachment (attached or detached). Based on these dichotomies, there appear to be four general types of infidelity: fantasy, visual, romantic, and sexual. It is important to point out that it does not take two people for infidelity to occur. Many times infidelity is committed within the mind or heart of a married individual with no other participating party.

Fantasy infidelity (emotional/detached) is characterized by having an emotional affair with someone who has no knowledge about what is taking place, or with someone who is anonymous (such as a person in a chat room) or will likely never be encountered in person (such as a celebrity), or all three. This type of infidelity involves fantasizing romantically about someone other than a spouse. When we let ourselves imagine what life would be like with another person, we are not being fully faithful to our spouse. Although this type of infidelity can take place entirely within one’s imagination, more and more emotional infidelity is being committed online through emails, chat rooms, or social networking sites. One survey showed that online sexual activities (which can range from flirting to sharing emotional intimacies or sexual scenarios) were the stated cause of separation and divorce in more than 22 percent of those surveyed (Subotnik, 2007).

It is important to remember, “For as [a man] thinketh in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7).

“The grass is greener . . . on the side of the fence you water!” (Goddard, 2007, p. 89).

Visual Infidelity/Pornography Visual infidelity (detached/physical), such as pornography, is perhaps the most common type of unfaithfulness. And the physical aspect of pornography involves the common practice of self-stimulation while viewing pornography. The Lord has warned us that we should not look upon anyone lustfully (Matthew 5:27–28). President Kimball (1962, p. 58) said,

There are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts, and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband. . . . Many acknowledge the vice of physical adultery, but still rationalize that anything short of that heinous sin may not be condemned too harshly; however, the Lord has said many times: “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old times, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, that who-soever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matthew 5:27–28).

Romantic Infidelity Romantic infidelity (emotional/attached) occurs when an individual becomes emotionally involved with a specific person other than his or her spouse. Romantic infidelity is characterized by a “second life” and commonly is a result of trying to escape the monotony of everyday life (VanderVoort & Duck, 2004). Research by VanderVoort and Duck (2004, p. 12) confirms that there is often a “utopian edge” to infidelity. They believe that one reason this type of affair is so tempting is that it offers an escape from everyday life. An adulterer might feel like he or she is empowered and reinventing his or her life. However, research by Duncombe and Marsden (2004) suggests that those who are unfaithful as a way to escape everyday life will be disappointed over time, since everyday life has a way of catching up with us. Initially infidelity can seem spontaneous, romantic, and thrilling. Over time, the exciting romantic target “ceases to be a stranger and routine becomes the enemy of spontaneity” (p. 144).

Sexual Infidelity

“Whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul” (Proverbs 6:32). In contrast to romantic infidelity, sexual infidelity (physical/attached) occurs when a person engages in sexual acts outside the bonds of marriage with or without emotional attachment. In some instances, sexual infidelity can be detached, such as infidelity with a prostitute. In some instances, visual affairs or fantasies will lead a person into committing the more serious sin of physical, sexual infidelity. What begins as a detached fantasy or romantic affair can lead to physical infidelity. Veon Smith (1975, p. 58), professor and marriage counselor, warned, “Infidelity is a subtle process. It does not begin with adultery; it begins with thoughts and attitudes. Each step to adultery is short, and each is easily taken; but once the process starts, it is difficult to stop.” In other words, what may start off as fantasy or visual infidelity can evolve into more serious types of infidelity, such as romantic or sexual infidelity, which involves other people directly. Satan will try to convince us that we can find happiness in infidelity. Even though it may seem for a time that everything is wonderful, President Benson (1988, p. 285) warned, “Quickly the relationship will sour. Guilt and shame set in. We become fearful that our sins will be discovered. We must sneak and hide, lie and cheat. Love begins to die. Bitterness, jealousy, anger, and even hate begin to grow.”

Consequences of Infidelity - There are spiritual consequences associated with all types of infidelity. Elder Richard G. Scott (1994, p. 38) has warned, “Intimate acts are forbidden by the Lord outside . . . of marriage because they undermine His purposes. . . . When experienced any other way, they are against His will. They cause serious emotional and spiritual harm.” Apart from the spiritual impacts, infidelity has other negative consequences. Infidelity is one of the leading factors in divorce (Amato & Previti, 2003); infidelity produces traumatic impacts on the spouse who was cheated on and turns one’s world upside down (Baucom, Snyder, & Gordon, 2007). The spouse often feels nauseated, repulsed, depressed, undesirable, insecure, helpless, abandoned, anxious, and even suicidal (Hall & Fincham, 2006). Children whose parents have been unfaithful also tend to be confused and disillusioned, and at times also experience despair (Lusterman, 2005). Use of pornography results in distinctive negative impacts, including the objectification of people, over-emphasis on the visual, overemphasis on sex, and the expectation of instant gratification (Valentine, 2005).

Objectification We are constantly being bombarded with messages that it is normal to treat people as objects. Women especially are depersonalized, sexualized, and exploited to sell products. Objects are not alive; their job is to please us. Objects do not speak up, challenge us, or walk away. We control objects, and when they do not satisfy us, we get rid of them. When we objectify people, we falsely believe that they are there only to please and gratify us, not to challenge or disagree with us. We stop seeing their humanness and uniqueness. In turn, we begin to lose the ability to notice and respect the needs and feelings of real people in our lives.

Overemphasizing the Visual The exaggeration of visual stimulation creates dysfunctions in the way males relate to women’s bodies. “When women are presented as visually perfect, compliant sex objects, real women with real personalities become less appealing” (Valentine, 2005, p. 29). Some men may begin to believe in a false sense of entitlement and have distorted expectations about how all women should look. Instead of relating to real women, these men fantasize about over-idealized body types. This fantasizing may lead these men to become emotionally absent and unavailable to a real wife. When times are stressful, pornography can be seen as a “quick fix,” but it allows only a temporary escape at best. Valentine (2005, p. 33) asserts, “The best sexual relationship is the result of a loving, respectful relation-ship carried out in the many aspects of everyday life.” Thus real intimacy in real marriage takes time, patience, and sensitivity as the two endeavor to become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).

...It is impor-tant to realize that dissatisfaction in marriage does not by itself result in infidelity. A common myth is that affairs occur only because of a bad marriage (Snyder, Baucom, & Gordon, 2007a). This belief is simply untrue. President Kimball (1962, p. 59) stated, “Spouses are sometimes inconsiderate, unkind, and difficult, and they must share the blame for broken homes, but this never justifies the other spouse’s covetousness and unfaithfulness and infidelity.” There are many people in troubled marriages who do not commit adultery just as there is plenty of infidelity that occurs even when spouses are generally satisfied with their marriages (Allen et al., 2005). A troubled marriage neither causes nor justifies infidelity.

Preventing Marital Infidelity - Infidelity is easier to prevent than to remedy. In addition to working to strengthen our marriages, we can prevent affairs by being on guard and being fiercely loyal. Often we think that infidelity primarily happens when spouses do not love each other enough, when the marriage is bad, when sexual intimacy is suffering, or when a more attractive alternative comes along. But infidelity is not primarily about love, sex, or attraction; it is about boundaries—where we draw the line. Therapist and author Dr. Shirley Glass (2003) points out that infidelity is more about boundaries than any-thing else. Many situations in work, society, and church assign-ments involve men and women working closely together. All of these situations can be opportunities for emotional involvement to develop (Treas & Giesen, 2000). The task for every married couple is to maintain complete fidelity and loyalty to the spouse and none other. President Hinckley (1999, p. 2–4) counseled: “Determine that there will never be anything that will come between you that will disrupt your marriage. . . . Be fiercely loyal one to another.”

Satan attacks us with subtle and indirect means. He tempts us to become inappropriately close to someone who is not our spouse under the guise of mentoring, friendship, or helpfulness. He subtly tempts us to build inappropriate emotional bonds while quieting our consciences with weak rationalizations. Perhaps this is Satan’s favorite ploy with those who desire goodness and are filled with compassion. The Book of Mormon describes his strategy:

And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell (2 Nephi 28:21; see Goddard, 2007, p. 83).

In Doctrine and Covenants 121:45, the Lord counseled us to “let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly.” This applies to marriage as well. President Kimball (1969, p. 250) counseled that when a couple is faithful to each other, “eyes will never wander and thoughts will never stray toward extra-marital romance. In a very literal sense, husband and wife will keep themselves for each other only, in mind and body and spirit.” Elder Max-well (1979, p. 42), while discussing temptation, stated,“Temptation expands so as to fill the time and space available to it. Keep anxiously engaged in good things, for idleness has a way of wrongly insisting, again and again, that it is ourselves we must think of pleasing.” Putting our spouse first. All of our relationships with others will be considered secondary when our spouse is foremost in our lives. We all know the commandment, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22). This allows for no sharing, dividing, nor depriving.

Repairing Marriage after Infidelity Although most spouses initially see infidelity as a sure sign of the death of a marriage, research has shown that this is often not the case. Snyder, Baucom, and Gordon (2007a) indicate that the majority of couples, about 70 percent, stay together and attempt to work it out, despite one of them being unfaithful. Nearly half of those who choose to stay together end up building a strong relationship. Research also suggests that when couples attend counseling to recover from infidelity, these couples tend to improve quickly (Atkins, 2003; Atkins, Eldridge, Baucom, & Christensen, 2005; Atkins, Marin, Lo, Klann, & Hahlweg, 2010). How then are such marriages repaired? Is there life and hope after such trauma? Five important steps are necessary to successfully overcoming infidelity. These include: rebuilding trust, gaining perspective, repentance and forgiveness, overcoming addiction, and making the choice to stay together (Snyder et al., 2007a).

Step 1—Rebuild Trust

Becoming Accountable - Even if others do not know of the infidelity, the first step to rebuilding trust is to become accountable. Accountability means being responsible for your actions. And this means breaking the secrecy that has been taking place, which helps relieve the feeling of being an impostor. Chamberlain, Gray, and Reid (2005) point out that after disclosing the infidelity, an unfaithful spouse may need to give his or her spouse time to deal with the emotions precipitated by the disclosure. This is part of taking responsibility for the pain the offending spouse has caused. This time is best spent focusing on personal behaviors and what changes need to be made.

Establishing Boundaries - After full disclosure, the next step of rebuilding trust involves setting boundaries. Snyder, Baucom, and Gor-don (2007b) suggest that a couple begin by discussing how often and what aspects of the infidelity they will talk about. They will also need to set clear boundaries on interactions with the outside offender, since trust is seldom regained quickly when any contact continues.

Rebuilding the Trust Bank - Account According to Snyder and colleagues (2007a), trust is often one of the last things to return after infidelity. Most couples enter marriage with high levels of trust. Once an affair has occurred, that same level of trust is hard to recover. Rebuilding trust takes time, and progress typically is made only in small steps.

Step 2—Gain Perspective

The next step is for both partners to understand how the infidelity came about, exploring aspects of the marriage that made it more susceptible to infidelity. Possible factors might have included high amounts of conflict, lack of emotional connectedness, lack of physical intimacy, high amounts of stress, and other influences. Once again, it is important to remember that reasons are not excuses (Snyder et al., 2007b, p. 112). There is no justification for infidelity, but examining the relationship will help the couple locate factors that made their marriage more vulnerable to it. A couple should then regain a “big picture” view of each other and their relationship, acknowledging the strengths and assessing areas for improvement, rather than just focusing on the infidelity. Gaining a better perspective also includes realizing that one person is not responsible for the sins of another. For example, an innocent wife may believe that if she were more attractive or more alluring, her husband would not have viewed images of other women on the Internet or have had an affair. This is simply untrue. If a man’s satisfaction with his wife just depended on her physical attractiveness, men married to supermodels and movie stars would be the most faithful husbands (Snyder et al., 2007a); observation suggests otherwise. Finally, during this step, Snyder and colleagues (2007a) advise couples to refrain from making big decisions about the marriage, since right after an affair has occurred can be a very stressful time full of turmoil and conflict.

Step 3—Repentance and Forgiveness

Sins of sexual impurity, although very serious, are forgivable. The first part of repentance involves determining how serious the Lord finds our transgression. President Kimball (1969, p. 62) reminds us that “the Lord apparently rates adultery close to premeditated murder, for he said: ‘And again, I command thee that thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife; nor seek thy neighbor’s life’ (D&C 19:25).” Studying and pondering the Lord’s commandments concerning the sin of infidelity after it has been committed will bring feelings of sorrow and remorse. Although painful, these are necessary and will help develop a sincere desire for change and repentance (Scott, 1995).

Confession One of the greatest resources members of the Church have is the ability to receive priesthood help after a transgression. Davidson (1999) points out that Satan wants nothing more than for the transgressor to be cut off from the love and concern of priesthood leaders. This enables the adversary to continue the work of destruction that has already begun. Instead, the offender should confess to and counsel with his or her bishop or branch president.

Forsaking Sin - Forsaking a habit is not an easy thing to do, but it is possible. Elder Scott (1990, p. 75) outlined the process by explaining: Decide to stop what you are doing that is wrong. Then search out everything in your life that feeds the habit, such as negative thoughts, unwholesome environment, and your companions in mischief. Systematically eliminate or overcome everything that contributes to that negative part of your life. Then stop the negative things permanently. Recognize that you’ll go through two transition

periods. The first is the most difficult. You are caging the tiger that has controlled your life. It will shake the bars, growl, threaten, and cause you some disturbance. But I promise you that this period will pass. How long it takes will depend upon the severity of your transgression, the strength of your determination, and the help you seek from the Lord. But remember, as you stand firm, it will pass. The second period is not as intense. It is like being on “battle alert” so that you can fend off any enemy attack. That too will pass, and you will feel more and have increased control of your life. You will become free.

Finding Forgiveness - “He that has committed adultery and repents with all his heart, and forsaketh it, and doeth it no more, thou shalt forgive” (D&C 42:25). Sometimes when we realize the seriousness of our sins, we tend to wonder if the Lord will ever be able to forgive us. Although it may seem impossible, President Kimball (1982, p. 5) stated, “In the matter of sexual sin and adultery . . . repentance can bring forgiveness if that repentance is sufficiently ‘all-out’ and total.”

Step 5—Making the Choice to Stay Together

The final step in the recovery process is for both spouses to decide whether to continue the marriage. When a couple chooses to stay together, Snyder and colleagues (2007a) emphasize that this means the choice is also being made to commit to, strengthen, and maintain the relationship. They offer these suggestions about moving on together as a couple.

Healing the Past - Discussing and acknowledging hard feelings to each other in a caring way may be the most critical step toward moving beyond the deep hurt from the infidelity.

Strengthening the Present Instead of trying to get back to where they were, a couple should focus on making the most of where they are. They should make efforts to reduce conflict and create opportunities for intimacy and joy. They should make continuing efforts to build a secure and loving relationship, even when they do not feel like it.

Enriching the Future - Couples should talk about their dreams of moving forward together and what they are willing to do to make those dreams a reality. This will help them remain emotionally connected and help prevent the problem of remaining together physically, but being emotionally apart. Through hard work, couples can and do rebuild their lives by building trust, gaining perspective, repenting and forgiving, overcoming any addictions, and making the courageous choice to stay together.

“The Family: A Proclamation to the World” provides

concise counsel to protect us from the spiritual and relational consequences of infidelity. There is safety and peace in following these commands. The children of the world are blessed and protected when they are “reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.”


Personal Thoughts

I’m going to get real here and speak plainly. Women are not educated properly on pornography, especially within the LDS Church. For years women have been “protected” from hearing about or discussing pornography even though it is brought up regularly in the church’s meetings for the men. Unfortunately, this does not protect women – it leaves us uneducated and at an unprepared disadvantage should pornography enter into our homes and the minds of the men we love.

My first husband developed an unhealthy pornography addiction. I did not know that his random anger, demanding attitude and long bouts of computer time were all warning signs of pornography addiction. No one had prepared me to see those warning signs or what I could do on my end to help our marriage. When he finally told me about it I was in shock. I thought that it must be because I was no longer attractive or good enough for him and my self-esteem crashed. After our divorce I became depressed and guarded, untrusting of men in general. I took years of therapy and counseling before I realized that my ex-husband’s addiction had very little to do with me at all. I’ve actually been writing a book for the past few years specifically aimed at LDS women meant to educate and empower them on what pornography is, how it affects men, how it can be destructive, what we can do, how to maintain our self-esteem and self-worth while dealing with it in our relationship, etc. My working title is “She Watches With Love”. Even though my first marriage ended in divorce (there were other factors as well) it doesn’t mean that other marriages cannot survive and even flourish after the devastation of pornography as introduced into it.
“Pornography, flirtations, and unwholesome fantasies erode one’s character and strike at the foundation of a happy marriage. Unity and trust within a marriage are thereby destroyed” (LDS Church President Howard W. Hunter, Conference Report, Oct. 1994).

Despite what anyone may say about stimulation for men and women being different as “old-fashioned” notions, there is a great deal of truth to it. Men in general are very visually stimulated in their sexual needs. It is why pornography access is so much higher with men and why women are encouraged to be modest so that we are not sexualized (whether intentionally or unintentionally) by the men around us. Women in general are emotionally stimulated in their sexual needs. It is why “pornography” for women is romance novels or romantic movies where the wooing and romancing take up most of the book or movie and the sex is only a small piece of it. Unfortunately both stimulation types for men and women are more rampant than ever in today’s world. Men can access pornography unintentionally through ads on the internet, mainstream movies, and even magazines at check-out stands. For women there are the same simulations only it is the romantic relationships they read about, see in movies and covet when things may be strained romantically with their spouse. Also, with a majority of homes needing two incomes, women are making male friends in the workforce and by creating close friendships they open themselves up to creating an emotional bond that can eventually stir up romantic feelings. Time spent alone with a member of the opposite sex may seem innocent, but the best practice is to “avoid the very appearance of evil” (KJV of the Holy Bible, 1 Thessalonians 5:22). It is always best to have a third party with you and to make sure that any close friends are introduced and spend time with our spouse’s as well.

“What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion.” (President Ezra Taft Benson, “To the Fathers in Israel,”Ensign, Nov. 1987, 50
In my opinion the greatest protection against pornography you can have in your marriage is trust and open communication. Since pornography is rampant in the world it is highly likely our husbands will come in contact with it in one form or another on a regular basis. As wives we need to make sure our husbands know that they can tell us about these experiences and that we can have a discussion without blame or hurt feelings. Women need to cultivate love and understanding in these cases and men need to cherish their wives enough to share these experiences and any relating feelings with their wives. Jealousy has no place within a healthy marriage. If a wife finds herself wishing her husband did romantic things like a character in a movie, open your mouth and tell him! We cannot read our spouse’s minds and letting your spouse know ways he can romance you is a good thing! Open and honest communication will bring your closer and help you repel the barrage of evil that the world is throwing at your precious marriage.


This Week's Goals:

Read through the below together and discuss how to avoid the below situations and how to communicate to each other in an understanding way should one of the below situations happen. Are there any other situations you can come up with that would have the potential to cause discord within your marriage?

Wise walls For Preventing Infidelity (Broderick, 1991; Glass, 1999; Goddard, 2007)

• Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.

• Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative. This develops deep levels of intimacy.

• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage.

• Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure he or she is a friend of the marriage.

• Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with the same person all the time.

• Don’t have lunch alone with an old flame.

• If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you bring your spouse along.

• When you travel with a coworker, meet only in public places.

• Don’t flirt with anyone other than your spouse.

• Don’t travel together with someone of the opposite sex when going to meetings for work, church, or in other circumstances.