Marriage and Divorce - the Values and the Myths

Chapter 7

The Warm, Happy Marriage: Cold, Hard Facts to Consider  Elizabeth VanDenBerghe and Alan J. Hawkins

Quotes and passages to focus on from chapter 7 -

This chapter features evidence on the benefits of marriage, drawing primarily on research, but also comparing comments from the public foray with data. Public discussions and depictions of marriage—whether in Internet articles, movies, or public radio—form the 21st century zeitgeist of how the young, the unmarried, and even the married perceive the institution of marriage and its alternatives. The commentators involved rarely pay heed to academic findings. But fortunately, some in the discussion are, knowingly or unknowingly, aligning themselves ideologically with what researchers have been concluding for years.

 An extensive body of evidence documents that married adults are clearly healthier than their non-married counterparts (for a summary, see Waite & Gallagher, 2000; Wood, Goesling, & Avellar, 2007). They have lower rates of morbidity and mortality, and their health benefits persist even when factors such as race, income, and health status prior to marriage are taken into account. This means that married couples living in poverty have better physical health compared to other low-income unmarried people, and that marital health benefits extend across all major ethnic groups. A man’s or woman’s marital status at age 48 strongly predicts his or her chances of surviving to age 65, with those not married more likely to die prematurely. Divorced men experience health risks akin to smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, while a woman’s risk of dying prematurely decreases with the duration of her marriage. At older ages, married people are significantly healthier and experience fewer physical limitations in daily activities than their non-married counterparts. Married people also recover better from illness and surgery. Perhaps blogging marriage-naysayers need to examine data on better health and longevity before giving a failing grade to marriage as an institution. As for being unfulfilled and stifled, married people

are generally happier, the studies find, with greater life satisfaction, lower risk for depression, and greater economic stability, all contributing to better mental health (Scott et al., 2009; Stack & Eshleman, 1998; Wood, Goesling, & Avellar, 2007). Interestingly, when young adults marry, they experience an immediate reduction in depressive symptoms, and higher life satisfaction levels hold true for the married across incomes, ethnic groups, and gender (Staton & Ooms, 2008). Recent research in 30 European countries even confirms a significant happiness gap between married and cohabiting individuals except in those countries where approval of cohabitation is deeply embedded in legal and social norms (Soons & Kalmijn, 2009).

A significant study published in Psychological Medicine (Scott et al., 2009) concludes that marriage reduces the risk of mental disorders for both men and women; however, gender differences exist. For men, marriage lowers their risk for depression and panic disorder. For women, it reduces their risk of substance abuse. For both genders, marriage offers higher levels of social integration as well as a source of emotional support from which spouses draw a sense of being esteemed, valued, and cared about. 

In making the marriage decision, Gottlieb’s survey

concludes, couples should consider shared values and life goals as paramount. These two factors just happen to be the ultimate foundation for a strong marriage, according to noted marriage researcher and therapist, Blaine Fowers (2000). Research confirms that a marriage founded on realistic expectations as opposed to fantasy manages to satisfy the deep, human need for emotional and physical closeness throughout life’s ups and downs. “Committed couples hunker down and stay the course together,” writes prolific researcher Scott Stanley. “Although they may experience pain, they may also know the great joy of overcoming challenges and

loss together” (Stanley, 2005, p. 200). 

 “I know there’s deep drama in the little moments,”

confirms none other than John Gottman, perhaps the world’s most influential marriage researcher (Gottman & Silver, 1999, p. 80). He hails the value of the small, ordinary indications of a successful marriage, and explains that these quiet moments run counter to Hollywood’s distorted concepts of passion and romance:

“Watching Humphrey Bogart gather teary-eyed Ingrid Bergman into his arms may make your heart pound, but real-life romance is fueled by a far more humdrum approach to staying connected” (pp. 79–80). According to Dr. Gottman, “comical as it may sound, romance actually grows when a couple are in a supermarket and the wife says, ‘Are we out of bleach?’ and the husband says, ‘I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case,’ instead of shrugging apathetically” (p. 80). Filming and analyzing interactions between hundreds of married couples has enabled Dr. Gottman to predict which marriages will thrive and which are in trouble. A high indicator of success consists of the mundane moments, which, he writes, “any Hollywood film editor would relegate to the cutting room floor” (p. 80).

Married couples, even those with lower incomes, report greater financial security and, as a result, have greater access to better housing, food, and services like health care than the never-married, divorced, or widowed (Stack & Eshleman, 1998). Economists have postulated that much of the financial instability of minorities living in poverty can be attributed to low levels of marriage and high levels of cohabitation and children born to unmarried mothers (Currie, 2009). Whatever the theories, solid research proves that married people in general are better off financially as well as physically and mentally.

The studies also find that married men and women are the least likely to lack interest in sex or to consider it lacking in pleasure, and are also least likely to associate sex with feelings of fear, anxiety, or guilt (Laumann et al., 1994; Laumann, Paik, & Rosen, 1999). Even unexpected voices in the public foray back up the research claiming that sexual expression within committed marriage may not be so stifling.

Wouldn’t marriage, then—one based on fealty and devotion, and void of adultery in both real and cyber worlds—provide the remedy for sexual satiety and dissatisfaction?

And two economists who studied a random sample of 16,000 men and women in the United States further bolstered sup-port for marital fidelity by establishing that the greatest happiness comes in a monogamous marital relationship (Blanchflower & Oswald, 2004).

On Further Inspection:  Mutual commitment, writes University of Denver marriage and cohabitation expert Scott Stanley, is what distinguishes marriage from other relationships. Yet contemporary culture, particularly in the United States, remains deeply afraid of limiting choices. Having it all and keeping your options open, just in case some-thing better comes along, has become almost a mantra of modern life. But Stanley points out that “loss of freedom outside the boundaries of the marriage union actually creates new opportunities for a profound level of freedom within them” (Stanley, 2005, p. 44). In other words, by giving up other choices in order to fully commit to marriage, spouses find that barriers within the relationship collapse and the couple feels a freedom unique to marriage—an emotional, psychological, and sexual safety unmatched by any other relationship. 

A rigorous synthesis of the research, which brought together studies from various fields with diverse methodologies, finds evidence of both cause and selection entangled in the marriage-benefit results (for a summary, see Wood, Goesling, & Avellar, 2007). Yes, happier and healthier people are more likely to marry and stay married. But studies arguing for the causal explanation use longitudinal data that show changes in health as people enter and exit marriage: being married definitely affects human behavior such as smoking, diet, exercise, and access to health care. Marriage also seems to reduce depressive symptoms for both men and women and affects many aspects of mental health. Conversely, depressive symptoms remain elevated years after a divorce, which evidence, again, gives credence to the idea that marriage itself has something to do with good health and positive emotions. These benefits also extend intergenerationally. Married couples’ children, whether black, white, or Hispanic, enjoy better physical health and longevity. The causes lie in better education, healthier behaviors, and more stable economic conditions associated with marriage. 

The evidence for so many marital benefits brings up one of the most compelling questions of all: Do such benefits result from holding any membership card in the institution of marriage, or do you need to be a member in good standing with a loving, healthy marriage? According to the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center and its own rigorous synthesis of the research, “a good-enough, or healthy marriage—one that is low in negativity—will provide cumulative, lifelong protection against chronic illness and premature death for both men and women, as well as greatly increasing the chances that their children will grow up healthy. These benefits seem only to increase as couples grow old together” (Staton & Ooms, 2008, pp. 13–14). 

What the evidence makes clear is that marriage is a unique and powerful relationship that positively contributes to individuals, families, and the greater good in crucial ways.

Variations on the Marriage Theme: The costs of cohabitation, divorce, and single parenthood are expensive—and not just for the couples involved. The societal ramifications of marital alternatives, represented by yet another voluminous stack of studies, are substantial. The fallout on children, especially, is well documented. According to Amato (2005), being raised by divorced or single parents negatively affects children academically, socially, and psychologically, and also correlates with a greater incidence of risky behaviors. And remarriage, while a valid option for many families, proves problematic as a whole with its complexities of re-adjustment, blended families, and even higher divorce rates. In his treatise on American marriage-divorce-remarriage habits, deftly titled The Marriage-Go-Round, Andrew Cherlin (2009) concludes that second, third, and fourth marriages inflict all the more damage on children as adults go from one relationship to the next in pursuit of individual fulfillment. 

Both the soft stories and the hard evidence attest to the fact that good marriages are undeniably worth the work, sacrifice, and dedication they require. The benefits of marriage are unique; the disadvantages of alternative family forms are real, profound, and all too common. The benefits begin at the marriage ceremony; extend into the lives of husbands, wives, and their children across time; then stretch out to bolster neighborhoods, communities, and the world at large.

Personal Thoughts

Human beings have been forming relationships since the very beginning of recorded time. And despite the passing of time, marriage has endured. The need to be with another, to know and be known, to love and be loved, to become a family unit, to bear children continues throughout the ages. It has been a religious institution and passed down in importance. But the present is finally beginning to break down marriage. The State of Our Unions 2012 Marriage Agenda address stated that "Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution. Marriage fosters small cooperative unions—also known as stable families—that enable children to thrive, shore up communities, and help family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times."

The world is suffering from a horrible condition - selfishness. No one accepts guilt, no one accepts consequences, no one faces up to their own part in their unhappiness. One of the best examples of how a marriage stops working is the example of yoked oxen. Two oxen are yoked together (yoke - a wooden bar or frame by which two draft animals (such as oxen) are joined at the heads or necks for working together.) As long as each walks forward, pulling their share of the weight, the burden is equal and easy for them to manage. But when one stops walking and pulling the weight is placed entirely on the shoulders of the ox that is still walking. The walking ox can only bear the weight for a little while and then it will become more than the ox can bear.

While the institution of marriage is becoming less important to the world, a more rampant issue is divorce. Instead of facing the commitments they have made and the sacred covenants made to each other, couples are giving up at the first sign of trouble. Not to say that there are not cases where divorce is needful. Elder Dallin H. Oaks (an elder and leader in the Church of Jesus Christ, of Latter-day Saints) has said "When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it." If there are no children, then a clean break can give each party the chance to start again. But when children are involved there is more to consider and the married couple needs to weigh their issues against the happiness and emotional health of their children's futures. In a world encouraging us to be selfish and take care of ourselves first we are losing our ability to love unconditionally and give of ourselves. That is what developing a strong marriage relationship and an unselfish home environment can give back to us – a better version of ourselves.

Something brought us together in love and marriage. If we keep those memories constantly alive we will find a way through all the hardships together, hand in hand, walking towards our eternal goals.

This week's goals:

Sit together and list the ways in which you believe marriage has improved your lives physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Then discuss in what ways marriage may further improve your lives together.