Chapter 4
Equal Partnership between Men and Women in Families
Valerie M. Hudson and Richard B Miller
Quotes and passages to focus on from chapter 4 -
Equality is all too often used to mean “identity”; that is, that two equal things must be identical to each other. Such usage represents a fallen and harmful understanding of equality that is espoused by Lucifer, who passionately wants all to be “like . . . himself” (2 Nephi 2:27). In contrast, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin taught:
The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole (2008, p. 18).
Even though we all aspire to be of “one heart and one
mind” (Moses 7:18), apparently that does not mean that we will all be identical. Since the proclamation teaches that gender is “an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose” (¶ 2), gender or sex presents at least one way we will differ in the eternities.
Think of all we believe to be true about the equality, both here and in Zion, of men and women in God’s kingdom: equal in blessings; equal in power, intelligence, wisdom, dignity, respect, giving counsel, giving consent, agency, value, potential, authority, exalted fullness, virtue, spirituality, and spiritual gifts; equal in temporal things in Zion; and equal heirs with Christ. When we read this list, do we unconsciously redefine “equality” as “identity” and thus struggle with these concepts? If so, it is time to work on a personal definition of equal that eschews both intimations of identity or hierarchy. One gender does not have greater eternal possibility than the other (Moses 2:26–27; 2 Nephi 26:28, 33). While serving as a member of the Seventy, Elder Earl C. Tingey said:
You must not misunderstand what the Lord meant when Adam was told he was to have a helpmeet. A helpmeet is a companion suited to or equal to us. We walk side by side with a helpmeet, not one before or behind the other. A helpmeet results in an absolute equal partnership between a husband and a wife. Eve was to be equal to Adam as a husband and wife are to be equal to each other (2008, n.p.).
As this passage suggests, without understanding the story of Adam and Eve in light of the restored gospel, much that we understand about God’s plan for the equal relationship between the genders is apt to go awry. For this reason, we turn to the story of our first parents.
Just as Adam hearkened first to Eve, accepted from her the fruit of the first tree, and entered into mortality, so Eve would hearken to Adam, accept from him the fruit of the second tree, and enter into eternal life. When viewing the entire plan of happiness, we see that the man and the woman play equally powerful and equally important roles in the plan. Each is to hearken to the other for the plan to work. Each stands before the other, and in the sight of God, as equals.
Spouses are to enter their marriage relationship convinced of each other’s equality. They can-not form a relationship that will be blessed by God if they come to the marriage altar unsure of each other’s equality, doubting it, or not even thinking about how it should order their relations. According to Latter-day Saint doctrine, the first utterance after God married Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden was Adam’s bold declaration of Eve’s equality with him—that they would be “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Family stewardships should be understood in terms of their responsibilities—obligations to one’s spouse, not power over one’s spouse.
President Hunter said: “The Lord intended that the wife be . . . a companion equal and necessary in full partnership. . . . For a man to operate independent of or without regard to the feelings and counsel of his wife in governing the family is to exercise unrighteous dominion” (Hunter, 1994, p. 51). Gender equality is not some gratuitous element of God’s vision of marriage: rather, we are commanded to presume the equality of our spouse as we approach the marriage altar, for otherwise we cannot truly love her or him. It is hoped that we then deepen that vision of our spouse’s equality in the divine work that is procreation and parenthood. Indeed, given that we believe Adam and Eve lived this law, a marriage reflecting the equality of the spouses is the ultimate traditional marriage.
...Contrary to scripture and the teachings of latter-day prophets, some men and women have interpreted presiding to mean that after equal counsel, equal consent is not necessary because the presider (or husband) has the right of final say. But President Boyd K. Packer (1998, p. 73) explained: “In the Church there is a distinct line of authority. We serve where called by those who preside over us. In the home it is a partnership with husband and wife equally yoked together, sharing in decisions, always working together.” In considering the equal partnership envisioned by the proclamation on the family, Elder L. Tom Perry (2004, p. 71) puts it eloquently: “There is not a president or a vice president in a family.” We have copresidents working “together eternally for the good of their family.” In other words, “they are on equal footing. They plan and organize the affairs of the family jointly and unanimously as they move forward.”
The stewardship of priesthood does not superimpose a hierarchical relationship over the God-ordained equality between husband and wife. President James E. Faust (1996, p. 6) taught that “every father is to his family a patriarch and every mother a matriarch as coequals in their distinctive parental roles.” We emphasize that the patriarchal priesthood is not so called to imply a hierarchy between men and women.
One of the most revolutionary aspects of the restored gospel is its ability to help us envision difference without hierarchy, distinctiveness without inequality. This is what the proclamation calls upon us to hold as the ideal relationship between husbands and wives.
A marriage of equal partners will also be one in which the partners help one another in their steward-ships, indeed, are “obligated to help one another as equal partners” (¶ 7). This assistance includes help with housework and childcare. President Boyd K. Packer (1989, p. 75) has said, “There is no task, however menial, connected with the care of babies, the nurturing of children, or with the maintenance of the home that is not [the husband’s] equal obligation.” Likewise, women assist their husbands, directly and indirectly, with the burdens of supporting a family.
Of course, marriage is not only about responsibilities; it is also about dreams, both shared and individual. After his wife’s death, President Gordon B. Hinckley shared some tender moments from their marriage. He described one of the most poignant moments this way:
“In our old age my beloved companion said to me quietly one evening, ‘You have always given me wings to fly, and I have loved you for it’” (2004, p. 85). There must be room enough in a marriage for the dreams of both the husband and the wife and sweet encouragement from each to the other to follow those dreams.
Thus, among the Latter-day Saints, marriages should not be built around the domination of one partner over the other, whether that domination be male over female or female over male. Such is not the vision of sincerely equal partnership to which we are called of God. Both husband and wife have a sacred obligation to refrain from thoughts and actions that might undermine an equal partnership. Thoughts or actions that tend toward the domineering or the subservient are to be avoided by both spouses.T he doctrine of equal partnership in marriage points powerfully and gloriously to truth. Thus, it should not surprise us that social science research, even with its limitations, confirms the importance and benefits of equal partnership in marital and family relationships.
Research has demonstrated that couples who have an equal partnership have happier relationships, better individual well-being, more effective parenting practices, and better-functioning children. Researchers have consistently found that couples who share power are more satisfied and have better overall marital quality than couples where one spouse dominates (Gray-Little & Burks, 1983). An important reason for equal partners having greater satisfaction is that they have less negative interaction and more positive interaction in their relationship (Gray-Little, Baucom, & Hamby, 1996). In addition, couples that are equal partners are significantly less likely to experience verbal aggression and physical violence (Sagrestano, Heavey, & Christensen, 1999). Moreover, there is evidence that equal partners are more satisfied with the quality of the physical intimacy in their relationship (Brezsnyak & Whisman, 2004). Research also indicates that the personal well-being of spouses is greatest in equal partnerships. There is substantial evidence that spouses who feel that they lack influence in their relationship—those who don’t have a voice—are more likely to experience symptoms of depression (Halloran, 1998). This is especially true among women (Byrne & Carr, 2000).
Power outcomes refer to which spouse typically makes the final decision when there are differing opinions between the spouses (Babcock et al., 1993). When there is a disagreement, who “wins”? Which spouse usu-ally has the final say? In an equal partnership, spouses continue to discuss the issue and negotiate until they agree on a decision. They both have veto power, meaning that both have to agree on the decision. In an unequal relationship, on the other hand, one partner tends to have the final say and can make decisions without the spouse’s consent or agreement.
As we have seen, the family proclamation’s exhortation to equal partnership in marriage does not mean that husband and wife are identical, but it does mean that in a very real and meaningful sense they must stand as equals before each other to find the joy that is their heritage in marriage. For Latter-day Saints, equal partnership in marriage is a commandment, not an alternative lifestyle. The reason is simple: men and women are that they might have joy! (2 Nephi 2:25). Recent social science research findings confirm that better physical and emotional health, better marital relationships, and better parenting and outcomes for children are the fruits of equal partner-ship in marriage.
Personal Thoughts
LDS songwriter Michael McLean wrote a beautiful musical entitled ‘The Garden’ which shows the events of the Garden of Eden as they might have been seen from the point of view of items within the garden. There is the seed that cannot grow, the barren olive tree, the ram caught in the thicket and the worn down millstone. Each has their own song and I have been able to relate to each throughout different times of my life. After my second divorce I would listen and cry to the song of the seed entitled “I Can’t Grow” (I am including a link to the song at the end of this post). Sung by a young woman, she laments missing out on all that the world above has to offer her. I in turn was lamenting missing out on all that a happy marriage brought to so many others. The difference between their marriages and mine was the growth they accomplished together. That growth is something to be striven for daily as I do in my current marriage to my wonderful husband Gabe.
There is opportunity for a unique growing experience within every marriage. Each marriage is different – differing personalities, hobbies, dreams, backgrounds, etc. But the same guidelines apply to all marriages. When the Lord told Adam in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”, he didn’t mean only some men when they felt like it. And when the Lord told wives in Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord”, he didn’t mean only when you’re having a good day. When you get a chance read the Ephesians 5:22-33 for it shows how God wants us to have the same love and devotion with our spouses as we have with Him. But how do we show it when we have worked a long day and come home to a spouse who may be laying into our last nerve?
I asked my husband to help with the laundry by folding the clean clothes on the couch. Three days later the clothes were still there. Now, usually I would pester and nag at him, maybe even playing the guilt card of how much housework I do when we both work long days and do full time schooling online. But after reading through this chapter I’ve started thinking how I could turn towards my husband as an equal and loving partner. Last night I stared at that pile of clean laundry, then I sat down and folded it. As I was putting the clothes away my husband said in a sad voice “I’m sorry sweetheart. I kept meaning to get to it.” I held back a snide comment and instead kissed his cheek and told him it was ok, I know how he can get sucked into things when he is busy. After finishing his homework he went into the kitchen and unloaded the dishwasher. Without being asked. This is a big deal to me because I often feel he has blinders on when it comes to housework. I made a fuss over how wonderful and helpful he was. We were smiling and filled with love, turning to each over in our selfless attempts to make the other happy. It was a small thing, but life is made up of many more small things than big ones. They are what can matter the most when times get hard because you have already created that foundation of growth. A small tree can easily be shaken from its dirt foundation, but a large tree that has withstood the test of time cannot. That is how we want our marriages to be. By “turning to each other” and creating opportunities for ourselves and our spouses to grow, we can create a strong marriage that will be able to withstand anything that would shake it.
There is opportunity for a unique growing experience within every marriage. Each marriage is different – differing personalities, hobbies, dreams, backgrounds, etc. But the same guidelines apply to all marriages. When the Lord told Adam in Genesis 2:24: “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh”, he didn’t mean only some men when they felt like it. And when the Lord told wives in Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord”, he didn’t mean only when you’re having a good day. When you get a chance read the Ephesians 5:22-33 for it shows how God wants us to have the same love and devotion with our spouses as we have with Him. But how do we show it when we have worked a long day and come home to a spouse who may be laying into our last nerve?
I asked my husband to help with the laundry by folding the clean clothes on the couch. Three days later the clothes were still there. Now, usually I would pester and nag at him, maybe even playing the guilt card of how much housework I do when we both work long days and do full time schooling online. But after reading through this chapter I’ve started thinking how I could turn towards my husband as an equal and loving partner. Last night I stared at that pile of clean laundry, then I sat down and folded it. As I was putting the clothes away my husband said in a sad voice “I’m sorry sweetheart. I kept meaning to get to it.” I held back a snide comment and instead kissed his cheek and told him it was ok, I know how he can get sucked into things when he is busy. After finishing his homework he went into the kitchen and unloaded the dishwasher. Without being asked. This is a big deal to me because I often feel he has blinders on when it comes to housework. I made a fuss over how wonderful and helpful he was. We were smiling and filled with love, turning to each over in our selfless attempts to make the other happy. It was a small thing, but life is made up of many more small things than big ones. They are what can matter the most when times get hard because you have already created that foundation of growth. A small tree can easily be shaken from its dirt foundation, but a large tree that has withstood the test of time cannot. That is how we want our marriages to be. By “turning to each other” and creating opportunities for ourselves and our spouses to grow, we can create a strong marriage that will be able to withstand anything that would shake it.
This Week's Goals
A power outcomes scale has been developed that assesses the distribution of power between spouses (Miller et al., 2008). Agreeing with the statements suggests an unequal relationship, while disagreeing with the statements indicates an equal partnership. I suggest going over the below on your own and then together. Discuss your feelings.
Assessing Power in Relationships
Power Processes
Scale 1. My partner tends to discount my opinion.
2. My partner does not listen to me.
3. When I want to talk about a problem in our relationship, my partner often refuses to talk with me about it.
4. My partner tends to dominate our conversations.
5. When we do not agree on an issue, my partner gives me the cold shoulder.
6. I do not feel free to express my opinion about issues in our relationship.
7. My partner makes decisions that affect our family without talking to me first.
8. My partner and I do not talk about problems until we both agree on a solution.
9. I feel like my partner tries to control me.
Power Outcomes Scale
1. When it comes to money, my partner’s opinion usually wins out.
2. When it comes to children, my partner’s opinion usually wins out.
3. It often seems my partner can get away with things in our relationship that I can never get away with.
4. I have no choice but to do what my partner wants.
5. My partner has more influence in our relationship than I do.
6. When disagreements arise in our relationship, my partner’s opinion usually wins out.
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