Chapter 18
Faith in Family Life
Loren D. Marks, David C. Dollahite, and Joanna Jacob Freeman
In Lectures on Faith, Joseph Smith defined faith not only as belief but as “the principle of action in all intelligent beings” (1835/1985, p. 6). He further emphasized in the fourth article of faith that the first principle of the gospel is “faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.” In
“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” faith (as a principle of action and power) leads the list of nine foundational principles upon which “successful marriages and families are established and maintained” (¶ 7). Prayer is the second foundational principle mentioned in the proclamation and is defined, in part, in the LDS Bible Dictionary as “the process by which the will of the father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other” (752–753). Such prayer is, like faith, a principle of action.
One recent study reported “that with the exception of two religious groups (nontraditional conservatives and non-Christian faiths), holding any religious affiliation is associated with reduced odds of marital infidelity com-pared to those with no religious affiliation” (Burdette, Ellison, Sherkat, & Gore, 2007, p. 1571). In another study of 1,439 currently married participants, Atkins and Kessel (2008) concluded that church attendance was significantly related to issues of fidelity and infidelity. However, measures of faith, nearness to God, prayer, and other religious attributes were not. In fact, data indicated that individuals who had reported “high religious importance” but low church attendance were more likely to have had an affair than those in many other categories. In sum, going to church together was what mattered, not more abstract reports regarding faith, importance of religion, or nearness to God. In an even larger previous study on fidelity involving approximately 3,000 couples, the same lead researcher measured marital satisfaction, opportunities of spouses to interact with other men and women (such as in work-places), age at first marriage, previous divorces, socioeconomic background, and religious affiliation and attendance (Atkins, Baucom, & Jacobson, 2001). This study also found that religious involvement appears to protect against infidelity, but only among those who were reportedly satisfied in their marital relationship.
Atkins and colleagues (2001) concluded, “Couples who are not happy in their relationship might believe that participating in organized religious activities can help safeguard their marriages.” Based on their study, how-ever, “only people who were in happy marriages and were involved in frequent religious activities were less likely to engage in infidelity” (p. 747). It seems that the combination of marital satisfaction and shared religious involvement may work together to provide an effective preventive maintenance program for marital fidelity.
A recent study addressed Internet pornography, a growing concern because of its negative effects on the marital relationship and family ties, and found that greater church attendance was related to lower rates of pornography use (Stack, Wasserman, & Kern, 2004). Similarly, Ellison, Bartkowski, and Anderson (1999) found that regular attendance at religious services was related to lower rates of domestic violence for men and women.
...Differences in religious involvement seem to portend higher rates of both marital conflict and failure.
Consistent with the two preceding reflections, Curtis and Ellison (2002) found—based on national data from 2,945 first-time married couples—that not only are religious differences linked with increased religion-oriented disputes, but there also appears to be something of a spillover effect. When men attend church with their wives there are fewer disputes, not only over faith, but also over housework, money, how time is spent, and sex. Conversely, significant religious differences among spouses have also been linked to increased risk of violence and contention (Ellison et al., 1999). In summary, high levels of religious involvement—when dissimilar or unshared—may contribute to instability and volatility instead of marital satisfaction, stability, and durability.
...Religious commitments that reportedly help bind marriages when shared often produce tension and conflict when these commitments are unshared. This is especially true of faiths that require significant sacrifices of time and money.
Research by Carroll and colleagues (2000) has found that “highly religious Latter-day Saints are less likely to engage in premarital sex, are more likely to sup-port a traditional division of labor in marriage, [and] are more likely to desire a large family” (p. 202). These ideals are all proclamation-centered but they also tend to be (from a non-LDS perspective) expensive. They “cost” significant time, discipline, energy, sacrifice, status, money, and an array of opportunity costs (Marks, Dollahite, & Dew, 2009). Indeed, when a spouse is called to serve in a time-intensive Church position, there can be significant costs to the family. The demands of fully consecrated commitment to the LDS Church are best borne by married couples who are equally yoked and covenanted. By extension, the greatest blessings the faith has to offer in time and eternity are to be enjoyed by married couples who have jointly made and kept covenants of consecration.
Research indicates that religious involvement and engagement influence family-related decisions (like the type of marriage, timing of marriage, and fertility), and that family decisions (for example, divorce or voluntary childlessness) can negatively influence religious involvement.
American churches in the 21st century will be to find a balance between supporting the standard of marriage-based families that is idealized . . . [while] addressing the pluralistic family realities that confront them” (p. 414). This balance remains an especially important one in Latter-day Saint congregations due to “a veritable [Latter-day Saint] ‘theology of the family’” ( Jarvis, 2000, p. 245)—a theology that presents a challenge to those whose family structure does not meet the temple-marriage-based ideal, as well as a high standard for those whose family processes and interactions fall short of the celestial ideal—in other words, all of us.
Ammons and Edgell (2007) note, “Work–family strategies . . . [often involve] making sacrifices, hard choices, or accommodations . . . [and] religious involvement and religious subculture [often] shape [pro-family] trade-offs” (p. 794). This ideal is reflected in an extensive review of literature by Dollahite and Thatcher (2007), who summarized that a man with serious religious commitment and involvement, on average, is more likely than one with little or no religious involvement to:
• remain sexually chaste before marriage and faithful to his marriage vows and thus not endanger his wife and children with sexually transmitted diseases nor father a child out of wedlock;
• be and remain committed to marriage and children even during times of difficulty and thus not bring the trials and challenges of divorce upon his wife and children;
• be highly involved in the lives of his children and parent with higher degrees of emotional warmth;
• practice kindness and mercy in his relationship with his children and be less likely to abuse his children;
• remain involved with his children in the face of challenging circumstances such as dissolution of marriage or disability of a child;
• avoid practices that harm family relationships such as substance abuse, crime, violence, child abuse, pornography, gambling, and idleness (p. 431). Dollahite and Thatcher concluded that “based on the evidence of the research we [have] cited, it may be that [religious involvement] provides the strongest force available to reverse the powerful trends that are breaking fathers and children apart” (p. 431).
Religious practices are “outward, observable expressions of faith such as prayer, scripture study, rituals, traditions, or less overtly sacred practice or abstinence that is religiously grounded” (Dollahite et al., 2004, p. 413). This definition captures both the proscriptions (or “thou shalt nots”) and prescriptions (or “thou shalts”) of religious practice. A qualitative study by Butler and colleagues (1998) produced several findings that were substantiated and supported in a quantitative follow-up study with 217 religious spouses (Butler, Stout, & Gardner, 2002). These findings included participants’ statements of belief that prayer enhanced experiences of emotional validation; promoted accountability toward deity; deescalated negative interactions, contempt, hostility, and emotional reactivity; enhanced relation-ship behavior; facilitated partner empathy; increased self-change focus; encouraged reconciliation and problem-solving; and promoted a sense of guidance from God (Butler et al., 2002). Although several positive outcomes have been associated with prayer, certain types of accusative or blaming prayer can also be “red flags” that reflect negative coping (Pargament et al., 1998). One recent study also indicated that one-sided prayer attempts indicate that “imbalances of anxiety, distress, and/or power may exist in a couple relationship [that] need to be addressed” (Gardner, Butler, & Seedall, 2008, p. 163). There can be diametric differences between a prayer where a marital couple seeks shared guidance from God throughout a difficulty (Butler et al., 2002), compared with blaming, resentment-filled prayer. Negatively focused prayer is associated with ill, not good. Conversely, humble, charity-filled, true prayer often helps with conflict resolution and promotes a sense of relational responsibility (Butler et al., 2002).
While prayer is reportedly helpful for the above couple and others like them, it is not the only influential religious practice. Fiese and Tomcho’s (2001) work with a primarily Catholic sample linked shared, meaningful religious holiday rituals with higher levels of marital satisfaction. Lee, Rice, and Gillespie (1997) similarly linked home-based family worship with higher marital satisfaction. Even so, the study by Lee and colleagues also found that, in some cases, rigid, compulsory family worship was more detrimental for children than no family worship at all.
"There’s something that . . . when as a family your hearts are pointed together toward the same thing, and it’s God, then parenting and economics and space and food and disagreements and hassles and joys and celebrations and all that other stuff . . . it works different, it seems different, it feels different. . . . Our family is all oriented in the same way. Christ is king, He’s the center, He’s what it’s all about. . . . Our faith informs our relationships and everything about us."
—Joseph, non-denominational Christian father (Marks, 2003, p. 10)
Religious beliefs include “personal, internal beliefs, framings, meanings, [and] perspectives,” which can, and often do, influence family life (Dollahite et al., 2004, p. 413). Over the past two decades, religious belief has received more rigorous, balanced, and comprehensive treatment in connection with family relationships than ever before (Koenig et al., 2001; Marks, 2006). Polls and surveys have indicated that 95 percent of all married couples and parents in the United States report a religious affiliation (Mahoney et al., 2001), and religion is “the single most important influence” in life for “a substantial minority” of Americans (Miller & Thoresen, 2003, p. 25).
...Statistical (and real-world) differences in marriage tend to emerge when we compare spouses who share religious involvement with those who do not. Indeed, religious beliefs can impact marriage at ideological levels as well, including the very definitions of marriage. After interviewing 57 highly religious couples, Dollahite and Lambert (2007) reported, “The most prevalent finding in these data was that religious involvement ‘sanctified’ marriage by giving marriage a sacred, spiritual, or religious character” (p. 294). Quantitative research has shown connections between religious belief and involvement and higher marital satisfaction, stability, duration, and increased commitment and fidelity (Dollahite et al., 2004)—as well as a “greater likelihood of future marital happiness” (Clements, Stanley, & Markman, 2004, p. 622). A qualitative study that examined potential reasons these positive marital differences tend to emerge among the more highly religious reported “insider” explanations, including pro-marriage/ anti-divorce beliefs, shared religious beliefs, and faith in God as a marital support (Marks, 2005).
The social science research base (including myriad quantitative and qualitative studies) indicates that marriage-based families in which the parents share religious involvement seem to fare comparatively well. Many of these families may be fortunate enough to avoid some of the forces that threaten and destroy marriages and families. Whether this is the case or not, the multi-dimensional resources of faith seem to serve as valuable coping resources that help families of faith to navigate the challenges that inevitably find us all. In the words of one African American father, “When you believe in God . . . yes, the boat still gets to rockin’ but [God] says, ‘In me you can weather the storm’” (Marks et al., 2008, p. 179). Social science evidence suggests that shared faith appears to be a principle upon which “successful marriages and families are established and maintained,” even during the storm.
Personal Thoughts
I’ve been reading ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work’ by John M. Gottman, PH.D. And he discusses “love maps” which is a term for the part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life. When couples have learned about and memorized important things about their partner they are showing a willingness to put their partner first. And after going through the questions and relationship quizzes I was happy to see that my relationship with my spouse is very close and happy. Which I pretty much knew. I’ve been married before and the relationships caused the greatest amount of stress in my life. But this marriage to my wonderful Gabriel is almost effortless and causes me very little stress. I remember telling my Mom a few months after marrying him that it didn’t feel like marriage – I was happy, healthy and madly in love every day. She replied that this IS what marriage should be and that what I had before was not.
I am a giver. Taking care of someone, loving them, being there for them – these are things I live for. But when I am with a taker I eventually grow depressed, withdrawn and sad. This is one of the dangers of not being evenly yoked. Without sacrifice on both parts, without giving of yourself and learning to love every part of your partner, you can’t truly become one. Your lives can become parallel and eventually you no longer feel the love that brought your together. That’s why learning appreciation for the little things as well as the big things can bring you steadily closer to your partner. In chapters four and five of Gottman’s book there are relationship activities that you can do to learn about and strengthen your bond with your partner. I tried some of them with my sweet husband and learned to appreciate him more and remember where we came from so we can see the path we want to follow.
In the scriptures we learn about the importance of sacrifice. The Lord asks of us to sacrifice our pride and to offer him open heart and a contrite spirit in order to become closer and understand his ways. The same principle applies to our relationships – through sacrifice and compromise we can become closer and gain appreciation for each other. Some sacrifices will be small like going with your spouse’s idea for dinner or them choosing to watch the movie you want to see. Others will be bigger, harder to make and sometimes even life-changing. I have recently made one of these choices.
After eleven years and five miscarriages I gave up on having my own child and have been looking into foster parenting and adoption. A few months back, in a moment of extreme honesty, my husband expressed how much he wished I would be willing to try one more time for a child. Even though I am unsure how another pregnancy failure will affect me physically and emotionally I chose to listen to this deepest desire of his heart. I made an appointment with my OB/GYN and we concocted a plan for this attempt. Due to some medical issues that cause the miscarriages I’m now on medication and shots for three months that cause some uncomfortable side effects. And there is no guarantee that the end result will be a full term pregnancy. But the hope and gratitude in my amazing husband’s eyes make this worth it. This sacrifice has brought us spiritually and emotionally closer – he will never doubt my love and devotion to him and his needs. And if, by some miracle, this works out than we will experience God’s greatest plan for joy like it says in Psalm 113:9 – “He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord.” Our family will be built on a foundation of faith and prayer no matter if we are a family or two or three.
This Week's Goals
"Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." - The Proclamation
How can you grow closer through your church activity, your commitment to your callings, and through service? Sit down and write a list of ways you can grow and serve each other. If you are not actively participating in service how can you add an aspect of service to others together in your lives?
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