The Romance of Friendship

Chapter 5

Marital Sexuality and Fertility 

James M. Harper and Leslie Feinauer

Quotes and passages to focus on from chapter 5 -

A loving Heavenly Father reserved something divine, the physical union between husband and wife, for the heart of marriage. In the intimate, personal, and often vulnerable space of marriage, God drew bounds around sacred physical union as something to be experienced with each other as husband and wife. Sex within marriage potentially teaches Heavenly Father’s deepest truths about oneness. In this sense, sex within marriage is sanctified and serves great spiritual and temporal purposes, but as with most divine opportunities, much depends on the attitudes, timing, and behaviors of the individuals involved.

Marital sexuality serves several purposes for both husband and wife as individuals as well as for the couple relationship. These purposes include becoming one, connecting with God, strengthening the emotional and spiritual bonds in marriage, avoiding temptation, and continuing the generational chain by bringing children into a family.

The first purpose, becoming one, while a doctrinal foundation of Christian belief, is only given lip service by many couples—the sexual aspect of their relationship is not always acknowledged. Elder David A. Bednar (2006, p. 83) taught, “The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation.”  

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (2001, pp. 17–18) said that sexual union is a “welding . . . in matrimony . . . [a] physical blending [symbolic of a] larger, more com-plete union of eternal purpose and promise . . . a symbol of total union . . . of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything.”

A second purpose of marital sexual intimacy, connection with God, is described again by representatives of various religious views. Latter-day Saint writers and other Christians describe the sexual union of husband and wife as a sacrament. Gardner (2002, p. 5) described sex in marriage as “an act of worship, a sacrament of marriage that invites and welcomes the very presence of God.” 

The third purpose, strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds in marriage, is likewise explained in various religious views around the world. President Spencer W. Kimball taught that the intimacy of sexual relations in marriage is a way of expressing love for one’s partner in marriage (Kimball, E. L., 1982). He said, “There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join . . . in an expression of love” (p. 311). Husbands and wives can learn to share a view that marital sexual expression is designed to protect and strengthen emotional bonds, which in turn will influence marital sexuality and satisfaction.

The last purpose of marital physical intimacy, procreation and continuing of the generations. For the continuation of generations, the marital act of procreation is the foundation of the bridge between ancestors and progenitors. For those married couples unable to have children, the promise of increase as part of the Abrahamic covenant is an eternal promise (Nelson, 1995), and of course, for those who choose to adopt, the sealing power will achieve this same purpose as though the adoptive parents had borne the child biologically. 

In summary, the doctrinal views of the Latter-day Saint Church as well as many major religions of the world identify several purposes of marital sexuality: becoming one, connecting with God, strengthening the bonds of marriage, and bringing children into a family. Unfortunately, couples often understand only one or two of these purposes and ignore the rest. The sex-saturated culture so prevalent in modernized societies worships bodies and only focuses on the erotic purpose of sex, which emphasizes individual pleasure. Only focusing on this purpose of marital sexuality leads to a focus on “technique” to create the greatest physical pleasure. Gardner (2002, p. 13) agrees that despite more available knowledge of technique, couples are “more sexually empty, more sexually frustrated, and more sexually lost than ever before.” Alternatively, some couples may focus on the procreative purpose of their sexual union and forego the divinely appointed purposes of oneness and connection. By seeking to have a balance of all the divine purposes in their sexual relationship, husbands and wives together will experience not just satisfaction but more commitment, relationship growth, and connection with God.

Sexual problems are a major cause of divorce in the first two years of marriage. Anticipatory anxiety, awkward and unsuccessful sexual experiences, and a cycle of avoiding sexual interaction contribute to early marital sexual problems (McCarthy, 1998).

McCarthy and McCarthy (2003) listed attitudes that help promote positive marital sexuality as including the beliefs that:

1. Sexual interaction is a healthy component of marriage that need not be a source of negative feelings or guilt.

2. Married persons deserve to feel good about their bodies and to view sexual expression as a normal, healthy part of their marriage.

3. A primary component of marital sexuality is giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touching in the context of an intimate, committed, and divinely supported relationship. As such, it requires relaxation and focus on the other person as well as on one’s own pleasure.

4. Sexuality should be expressed in a way that enhances your intimate, marital relationship and bonds you together.

5. Couples should strive to create a “we” relation-ship, where both partners’ sharing and pleasure is important as opposed to one person individually focused on what she or he will get out of the experience.

In a marriage, not all affectionate touching should proceed to sexual intercourse. Couples should be physically affectionate with each other separate and apart from sexual interaction. If a wife begins to feel that physical touch from her husband is always a prelude to sexual interaction ending in intercourse, she will learn over time to avoid any kind of touching when she does not desire to be sexual. This affects couple attachment and interferes with good couple bonding, which is partly built on marital affection. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, and cuddling should all be part of a marital relationship—without these shared behaviors always leading to sexual interaction.

 Over time, successful marriages shift from romanticism as a time-limited binding force to companionship and attachment as a stable, enduring force (Schnarch, 2009). President Spencer W. Kimball (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 2006, pp. 191) observed,

"We need an unspoiled companion who will not count our wrinkles, remember our stupidities nor remember our weaknesses; . . .we need a loving companion with whom we have suffered and wept and prayed and worshipped; one with whom we have suffered sorrow and disappointments, one who loves us for what we are or intend to be rather than what we appear to be in our gilded shell."

Realistic expectations that are mutually acceptable and shared between partners help establish a good foundation. Some research findings may help couples develop realistic expectations of their sexual relationship. Among happily married couples who report they are highly satisfied with their sexual relationship, slightly less than half of their experiences involve equal desire, arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction (Frank, Anderson, & Rubinstein, 1978). According to Schnarch (2009), one fact about sexual desire that transcends all relationships is that husbands’ and wives’ sexual desire do not usually vary together. He states that “there is always a low desire partner, just as there is always a high desire partner—and there is one of each in every relationship” (p. 9, italics in original).

The “good enough sex” approach. The fact that husbands and wives are not usually at the same level in terms of desire, arousal, or satisfaction is related to what McCarthy and Metz (2008; Metz & McCarthy, 2007) have coined “good enough sex” for marriage. Relying on a career of more than forty years of counseling couples with sexual problems, McCarthy argues that equal desire, arousal, and satisfaction are unrealistic expectations and will interfere with positive marital sexuality (2003). The central aim of the “good enough sex” approach for marriage is that husband and wife become emotion-ally close, erotic friends, who can accept marital sexuality as a variable and flexible experience and not be anxious when sexual interaction does not flow to inter-course. In this approach, desire and satisfaction are far more important than arousal and orgasm. In this sense, marital sex and pleasure belong together, but marital sex combined with expectations that the experience will always be 100 percent satisfactory results in unrealistic demands of marriage. In the “good enough” approach, the couple is an “intimate team” who work together to create relaxation for both, which is a crucial foundation for pleasure and sexual function. Both spouses value abandoning a goal of “perfect performance,” which helps them overcome fears and pressures associated with sexual performance. he “good enough” approach promotes sex in marriage as playful and even spiritual and also encourages the belief that marital sexuality grows and evolves throughout life. In contrast, the “always great” approach often portrayed by media and culture results in disappointment, as experiences fail to match high expectations.

 

Sexual desire may present challenges to some couples, including Latter-day Saint married couples. Both partners may understand that sexual interaction is expected in marriage, but they both might experience inhibitions early in marriage due to poor body image, reluctance to initiate sexual interaction with their spouse, fear of relaxing and letting go with the spouse present, embarrassment with nudity in front of their partner, awkwardness in talking about sex with each other, and embarrassment in seeking information (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2003). These inhibitions are counter to the idea that married partners need to be honest, disclose deep feelings and experiences, and create safety for one another that leads to optimal relaxation during marital sexual interaction. The antidote to all of these inhibitions is being able to talk about them together, and in the moments of sexual interaction to be able to disclose what is happening rather than closing down emotionally and backing out of sexual interaction, which will likely be experienced as rejection by a partner. Some suggestions for talking about sex include finding a convenient time, making sure that both partners have opportunity to talk about what they like and what they don’t like, making sure that statements aren’t blaming but stated in terms of wants. For example, a wife might say to her husband, “I want us to spend more time leading up to intercourse” rather than, “You always move too quickly to intercourse.” 

Who initiates sexual interaction in marriage is often a source of conflict for married couples. A good attitude to develop about this is that both husband and wife should feel free to initiate sexual sharing with each other. The “good enough” approach would guide couples to expect that the initiation aspect of a couple’s sexual relationship may vary from time to time, but it also encourages couples to work together to share initiation so that one partner does not feel like he or she is always initiating and the other partner is always accepting or rejecting. Rigid patterns where husbands are always the initiator often develop into desire problems. Husbands and wives need to work together to achieve a pattern of equal participation in order to avoid getting into rigid patterns of high-desire partner versus low-desire partner. Both spouses need to value and set aside time for physical intimacy, engage in affectionate touching, and establish a rhythm of sexual sharing (McCarthy, 1998). 

When any sexual dysfunctions occur, a couple should seriously consider seeking reliable information and possibly professional help. While such problems are often embarrassing to a couple, early intervention usually alleviates the problem quickly, whereas waiting may make it more difficult to resolve.

 Sex is one of the areas married couples may argue about (Chethik, 2006). Usually such arguments occur when one person is focused on his or her personal needs and desires rather than the couple working together to achieve the attitudes and practices of the “good enough sex” approach for marriage. Disagreements about frequency of sexual intercourse typically involve men wanting to have sex more frequently than their wives. When initiation of sex in marriage seems compulsive and there is a large discrepancy in desire between a husband and wife, working on emotional bonding and disclosure of vulnerable feelings often helps reduce the discrepancy in desires. Men who feel inadequate, unwanted, or “bound up with stress” are likely to pursue sex as a way of managing these feelings. Sharing such feelings with a spouse often helps relieve the feelings and the associated sexual tension. On the other hand, a married partner who has little or no desire to have sex should also work with her or his spouse to determine if they can together, as intimate friends, build a bridge to desire for the lower desire spouse.

 In summary, the “good enough sex” approach was

developed as a result of research finding that happily married people experience their sexual relationship as good about 60 to 85 percent of the time and that even the happiest married couples’ experiences do not fit an “always great” approach. Couples who are flexible enough to adapt their attitudes and expectations to the principles of the “good enough sex” approach will likely experience greater overall marital satisfaction.

 In conclusion, marital sexuality serves many purposes that are part of the divine plan of a loving Heavenly Father. A sexual relationship is symbolic of the total union of husband and wife working together as “we” and “us” rather than individually. Husbands and wives should strive together to develop good attitudes about the sexual aspect of their relationship. One of the important purposes of sexuality in marriage is to express love to each other, “to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, consideration, and common purpose” (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 2004, p. 26). An added purpose is to provide physical bodies for God’s children, which is a sacred matter and should receive serious attention regarding when and how many children to have. Couples who turn to the Lord for spiritual guidance to make proper use of the choices and challenges that come with the wonderful gift of marital sexuality will find comfort and eternal blessings.

Personal Thoughts

When it comes to love and marriage, most people seem to focus on the romance of it all. Because the romance is the fun part. But without building up a friendship, a relationship is bound to feel the strain when things go South. John M Gottman, a doctor of psychology and specialist in marriage and relationship studies stresses that friendship is at the core of a strong marriage. He states in his book 'The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work' that friendship between couples means they "know each other intimately" and "are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams," So often we forget how important cultivating that friendship throughout our years of marriage is. A favorite quote comes to mind -

“Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one’s life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one’s side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music, perhaps . . . perhaps . . . love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.”
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables series.

In H. Wallace Goddard's book 'Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage', he begins by showing through some examples the power of learning to serve with a Christ-like attitude. Through selflessness and service to your beloved, you will bring yourself closer to them and them in turn to you. My favorite quote on love comes from President Gordon B. Hinkley. He said that “True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one's companion.” More profound words on love have never been spoken. Through our anxious concern we will reach beyond ourselves to know divine, unconditional love. And we can find it together.

This Week's Goals

Find time this week to share special time with your spouse with no expectations of sex - take sex off the table this week. Remember what it was like to make-out in the beginning of your relationship? Kissing, snuggling, touching, massages, etc are all encouraged. Also talk together about things your spouse does for you that makes you feel romantic feelings for them like making your lunch, singing to you, helping you with a chore you dislike, and so on. Something my spouse does for me is offer to brush my hair when I've had a stressful day. He knows it calms me and knowing that he wants to do that for me makes me feel butterflies inside for him.