Chapter 8
Should I Keep Trying to Work It Out? Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of Divorce
Alan J. Hawkins and Tamara A. Fackrell
Quotes and passages to focus on from chapter 8: Part 2 -
The first test President Faust gave was that serious marital problems should exist for a prolonged period of time before one can determine if there is just cause for ending a marriage. (Although if there are safety issues, then a separation is likely necessary while assessing whether change can occur.) There is not much research on how long people experience problems before seeking a divorce. However, research documents that the first five years of a marriage are the years with the highest risk of divorce, and these risks are even higher for remarriages (Bramlett & Mosher, 2002). Apparently, then, many who divorce are married for a relatively short period of time. In our own professional work, we have learned that unfortunately many people divorce after a short period of problems and make their decision quickly, based almost solely on emotion.
Some research suggests that many who divorce have regrets about the divorce later. Divorce scholar Robert Emery reports that ambivalent or mixed feelings about a divorce are common (Emery & Sbarra, 2002). A handful of surveys from various states in the United States estimate that perhaps half of individuals wished they had worked harder to try to overcome their differences (see Hawkins & Fackrell, 2009, 65–74). A study that followed divorced individuals over a long period of time found that in 75 percent of divorced couples at least one partner was having regrets about the decision to divorce one year after the breakup (Hetherington & Kelly, 2002). If feelings of regret are common, this suggests that the decision to divorce may not have been fully considered.
The second part of President Faust’s test of just cause is that the marriage is “apparently irredeemable,” or that there is little hope of repairing the relationship. Related to this point, researchers estimate that only about 30 per-cent of U.S. couples who divorce make an attempt to reconcile before the divorce (Wineberg, 1995). Other research suggests that most couples do not seek counseling before they divorce. A survey of Utah adults found that only about half of couples who divorced first sought either secular or religious counseling (Schramm, Marshall, Harris, & George, 2003; see p. 22). This is unfortunate because researchers have estimated that about 80 percent of couples may see improvement in their relationship after visiting a marriage counselor (Ward & McCollum, 2005) and, over the short term, almost half say all of their major problems were resolved (Bray & Jouriles, 1995; Ward & McCollum, 2005). One Latter-day Saint couple said: “One of the things we’ve worked on since [we decided to try to save our marriage], we’ve actually gone to counseling a lot. . . . It’s been really helpful. . . . I think [counseling provided] a backbone of stability for us.” A final determination of whether problems are “irredeemable” rests with each spouse. However, we should seek help from various sources, including religious leaders and professional counselors who provide needed perspective and who help distressed couples develop the skills to resolve their problems.
Many people seem to believe that once a marriage has gone “bad,” it is like bruised fruit that cannot be restored, but instead needs to be thrown out and new fruit bought. But research shows that a high percentage of people who say they are unhappy in their marriage, but persevere for several years, later report that their marriages are happy again (Waite & Gallagher, 2000). More than 75 percent of individuals in Waite and Gallagher’s study who gave the lowest rating on a marital satisfaction scale but persisted reported a few years later that they were happy or very happy. This study suggests that long-lasting marital unhappiness is uncommon; unhappy marriages often improve significantly over time for those who are patient and keep trying to work things out. Thus, we think there should be a presumption that current unhappiness in a marriage will diminish, problems will be resolved, and happiness will return. Patience and perseverance can make a real difference.
Perhaps this intriguing research finding can be better understood in the context of the common reasons that people give for divorce. A national study documented that the most common reason people gave for their divorce was a lack of commitment; nearly 75 percent said it was a major factor (National Fatherhood Initiative, 2005). Other common reasons given were too much arguing (56 percent), infidelity (55 percent), unrealistic expectations (45 percent), lack of equality in the relationship (44 percent), and lack of effective preparation for marriage (41 percent). A survey in Utah found a similar pattern of common reasons (Schramm et al., 2003). Most of these reasons seem amenable to patience and effort. People can learn better communication and problem-solving skills; they can establish more realistic expectations; they can learn to treat each other with greater respect and act as equal partners. Also, many good resources are available for engaged couples who want to work before their marriage to prepare better for the challenges that lie ahead. (See www.twoofus. org/engaged/preparing-for-marriage/index.aspx and beforeforever.byu.edu for resources.) There are ways to strengthen commitment to each other and to the marriage before and after the wedding (Stanley, 2005). While infidelity is one of the most difficult marital injuries to heal, therapists devoted to helping couples recover from infidelity report significant success (Sny-der, Baucom, & Gordon, 2007). While most (63 per-cent) Americans say they would not forgive their spouse and would get a divorce if they discovered he or she had been unfaithful ( Jones, 2008), in actuality, researchers have found that about half of men and women who have been unfaithful are still married to their same spouse (Allen & Atkins, under review).
Another interesting finding that sheds light on whether marriages can be repaired is that most divorces come from marriages that were not experiencing abuse or high levels of conflict. One set of researchers estimated that half to two-thirds of divorces come from couples who were not having a lot of serious arguments or experiencing abuse (Amato & Booth, 1997; Amato & Hohmann-Marriott, 2007). Instead these divorces seem to result from other problems, such as one or both spouses having unrealistically high expectations about the marriage. Also noteworthy is the finding that the children of these divorces are generally the ones who have the hardest time adjusting to divorce (Amato & Booth). In high-conflict marriages, the children likely are aware of the problems, and divorce may be an expected and even welcome resolution. But in low-conflict marriages that end in divorce, the children likely are surprised and bewildered. A key foundation of their world has been cracked, and they struggle to deal with these unwanted and, from their perspective, unwarranted changes in their family.
The third, inter-related part of President Faust’s test of just cause for divorce is that the marital relationship has become destructive to a person’s basic human dignity. Certainly there is ample evidence that the process of marital breakdown, the aftermath of divorce, and struggles to rebuild a life and meet daily challenges can leave people feeling exhausted, lost, beaten down, lacking confidence, and depressed (Hetherington & Kelly, 2002; Waller-stein et al., 2000). Of course, for some adults, divorce, despite its difficulties, can be the beginning of a new, energizing, and exciting path (Hetherington & Kelly). But for most, marital breakdown and divorce carry with them difficult adjustments that challenge our personal resources to adapt (Amato, 2000; Hetherington & Kelly, 2002). In this body of research findings, it is difficult to separate the effects of marital breakdown from the effects of adjustment to divorce. Most likely both con-tribute to adjustment difficulties. That is, problems in the marriage make people unhappy and contribute to lower self-esteem, for instance, but problems adjusting to divorce exacerbate these problems and likely spawn additional ones. Moreover, research finds little evidence that, overall, those who divorce rather than stay together are able to rebuild a greater sense of well-being and happiness (Waite et al., 2002; Waite, Luo, & Lewin, 2009). Specifically, those who were unhappy in their marriage and divorced did not end up having greater emotional well-being a few years down the road compared to unhappily married individuals who stayed together. This was true even for those who remarried (or repartnered) after the divorce. Evidently, for most, divorce is not a reliable path to improving one’s well-being over time.
However, it is important to acknowledge that this is only a general statement. Certainly there are far too many instances when one’s basic human dignity or safety—as well as children’s well-being—is put in jeopardy by a destructive marital relationship. Spousal abuse carries with it a high risk of destructive consequences, including poor mental and physical health (Afifi et al., 2009; Campbell, 2002). Similarly, the discovery of infidelity, especially a pattern of repeated infidelity, can produce feelings of traumatic stress, anger, depression, anxiety, disorientation, and psychological paralysis (Snyder et al., 2007). Furthermore, when children are witnesses to ongoing high levels of marital conflict, research suggests that most are better off if their parents divorce (Amato & Booth, 1997).
One challenge associated with this third principle is that sometimes individuals struggling in a destructive marriage get so worn down that they lose a sense of self-efficacy and an ability to trust their own judgment. Hence they may be unable to make a difficult but correct decision to divorce. In these instances, caring family and friends may need to help. As we said earlier, generally we believe family and friends should encourage loved ones at the crossroads of divorce to act with faith and do all they can to repair the marriage. But there may be times when a family member or close friend will need to prayerfully and carefully intervene to help a loved one see that the marriage has become destructive or unsafe and strengthen them to make a difficult decision to divorce.
One situation that can cause great marital pain occurs when one spouse rejects or questions his or her faith while the other remains devout. We do not believe that a spouse’s spiritual wanderings are just cause for divorce. With the right perspective, this situation does not constitute a threat to human dignity. Instead, we should offer compassion, love, and patience as a light to attract our spouse back onto the path of full righteousness.
The Lord’s standard for just cause for a divorce is a high one, even if God mercifully allows us to live by some-thing less than the celestial law. In no way do we want to imply that adhering to this standard is easy. With-out question, it takes courage and discipline to stay in an unhappy marriage for a prolonged period of time to attempt change and improvement. It takes wisdom (and perhaps seeking some wise counsel) to evaluate whether a highly troubled marriage can be redeemed, plus skill and effort and humility to repair the relationship. And it takes spiritual insight to discern if an unhappy marriage is becoming destructive of one’s basic human dignity. But because marriage is “central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children,” the bar should be set high, encouraging couples to work to preserve the marriage. Moreover, from a secular perspective, research suggests that a wise course includes patient efforts to repair the relationship, if possible, and that there is wisdom in carefully considering the potential consequences of divorce for all in the family.
Then what is the best course if we come to the crossroads of divorce? Echoing similar, earlier teachings from President Gordon B. Hinckley (2000), Elder Dallin H. Oaks (2007, pp. 71–72) provided challenging but needed counsel:
"Now I speak to married members, especially to any who may be considering divorce. I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. . . . Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us. Latter-day Saint spouses should do all within their power to preserve their marriages."
Some divorces are necessary and just, and may actually serve to clarify the moral boundaries of marriage by identifying behavior that seriously violates marriage covenants. But both spiritual principles and secular learning should motivate us to do all we can to keep our marital covenants. If we find ourselves at the crossroads of divorce, the best path usually is to seek divine help to change course and repair the marriage.
Prayer can be invaluable in this process. There is social science evidence that personal and couple prayer and the faith that motivates it can soften hearts and help strengthen marital relationships (Butler, Gardner, & Bird, 1998; Lambert & Dollahite, 2006). Seeking spiritual guidance from priesthood leaders can also be helpful, even though it is difficult for some because they do not want to reveal their personal struggles to others. Similarly, it can be helpful to seek out trusted family members or friends who have overcome struggles in their marriages and gain strength, perspective, and support from them. In addition, it is important for those at the crossroads of divorce to surround themselves with a net-work of friends and family who will support their efforts to repair and strengthen their marriage rather than urge them to abandon the marriage. It is more effective to work on repairing the relationship together, but if only one spouse is willing to do so, there is still hope that the actions of one can create positive change in the relation-ship and spur the other spouse to action (Davis, 2001). We also recommend three excellent books for those at the crossroads of divorce to give them perspective and guidance. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Gottman & Silver, 1999) and The Divorce Remedy (Davis, 2001) take a secular approach while Covenant Hearts (Hafen, 2005) has a sacred focus.
Whatever sincere actions are taken, we know that a loving God will support those efforts to help couples preserve a union that is essential to his plan for the eternal welfare of his children. And if those efforts ultimately prove unfruitful, then couples can know that they have done all they could to honor a relationship ordained of God.
Personal Thoughts
I divided this chapter into two posts because of the importance and gravity of the content. As someone who has experienced three marital relationships of my own, I have known what can cause a marriage to falter. Usually there is a catalyst of some kind, a major event or issue that instigates the conflict within a marriage. But without all the little things chipping away at your marriage on a daily basis there would be no question of if your marriage could survive such conflict. For example, one of the ‘little things’ chipping away at my first marriage was the interference of parents. My parents were constantly full of advice, pressure and corrections for us, especially my Mother. She called often and if I didn’t take her call she would stop by our apartment unannounced. Her constant attempts to influence us caused a great strain that we were not able to see until it had already caused damage. On the other hand, his Mother was recently divorced from his Father and he was the eldest son. She was constantly asking him to come over to help with things, making him dinner, having him stay late while I waited at home with a meal prepared. It happened often, but I felt like I couldn’t express frustration or it would make me seem selfish. President Spencer W. Kimball said it best in a talk on marriage – “Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children… Live your own life.”
The catalyst that ended my first marriage was my spouse’s pornography addiction, but without all the smaller, unaddressed issues that permeated our relationship we would have been a stronger, united force against the world. The catalyst in my second marriage was my spouse’s infidelity but again there were smaller issues that lead to his choice. He was not a member of my church for one and it weighed on me when I participated in church activity without him. There was also an expectation that his decisions were more important as the husband and that I was expected to follow and support him no matter my own thoughts or feelings. In an article in the LDS Church magazine the Ensign, President Gordon B. Hinckley (who I regard as an excellent example of sustaining a “perfected” marriage) wrote –
“Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have.”
I was disappearing in my second marriage, deferring everything to my husband’s word. By the time I discovered his infidelity and confronted him we had very little respect for each other and our marriage quickly crumpled.
Equality, communication, respect, love. The humility to kneel together in prayer. There are many little conflicts that chip away and cause cracks in our marriages and if we do not address them and find amicable solutions our relationships will weaken and we will not be able to withstand the onslaught of a major problem. In my current marriage my husband and I see and treat each other as equals, we communicate constantly about every little issue, we show each other respect both inside our relationship and to others outside of it, and above all we remind each other and ourselves daily of our great love for one another. Through this effort we are able to stand united against the trials of life.
